I did not begin the Spring ’14 semester today with my classmates due to extenuating circumstances related to my pregnancy. Since my baby is due towards the beginning of the Fall ’14 semester, common sense dictates that I will not return to school for an entire year. My heart is broken, and I am not interested in looking on the bright side just yet.
When you have lost 10 years of your life to an illness, all you have are your skills to heal and plans to begin your life anew. I had managed the second step quite well, acting on those plans and doing so quite successfully. Now, I am back to just having my skills with the hopes that plans will once again be implemented for future dream fulfillment.
I am not so blind in my disappointment that I cannot recognize that my baby is my new goal and new success, a different plan than I had anticipated; it is simply that for someone whose strongest tool in getting better is setting goals and plans to work forward to, my pregnancy took complete control from my goals and plans, at least for the mean time.
I know that as the days pass, and I will find more and more ways to connect with my baby. As I hear its heartbeat in exams, see its little fingers grow, and feel it dance around my womb to say hello, I will be ecstatic that the goal of my degrees were worth setting aside for a year. (Mmm…baby smell!)
But right now, I mourn their temporary loss into an unknown future, and I plan to be mournful for a while.
Process, accept nonjudgmentally, and let go.
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