With the start of the school year, I am more active in my reading, writing, and typing. I have realized, from time to time, that I am omitting and/or reversing letters and/or words when I type. I even add words to sentences that do not belong in the sentence. It feels almost as though my brain is working ahead of my fingers, but that doesn’t quite sum up the feeling of unease I get when I proofread and find these mistakes. I do not typically realize I have made them at the time I make them but primarily after I have made them (Say that 3 times fast! LOL). And up until this point, I have only noticed it in my typing, so I was not terribly concerned.
As I sat on my bed tonight, writing notes from my textbook on public policy, I realized, for the first time, that I am making the same omitting and/or reversing of letters and/or words in my writing. I am now scared.
This past Wednesday, having not noticed this phenomenon in my writing before tonight, I spoke with my psychiatrist about the omitting and/or reversing letters and/or words in my typing, explaining also that I sometimes add unnecessary words to sentences. As I finished answering her questions about the specifics of what I am noticing when I omit and/or reverse letters and/or words, she bobbed her head up and down in understanding. She said, “Considering your treatments with ECT, it sounds as though you may have developed a learning disability that we tend to see in young children.” She explained that we had the choice of ordering neuropsychiatric testing to confirm this suspicion but that that would simply lead us to have cause to ask for accommodations in school, which I already have. I told her that I thought this phenomenon sounded like a learning disability but that unless it became an issue with getting my school work done or if it began to quickly develop into something I could not overcome, I would just “keep an eye on it”. But that was before it came out in my writing.
What if years of taking medications to alter my brain’s neurotransmitters and 8 sessions of ECT finally took a toll? Did I have such issues before but was simply in an environment that did not allow for me to use my brain in a manner that expressed this issue? After all, I have been very limited in my functioning for almost 5 years. But in that time, I certainly typed and wrote and even attended a semester of university classes in which I did quite well (we won’t include the math class I failed =). If this isn’t new, why did I not notice until recently? Until after the ECT?
I wouldn’t change any of the treatment options I have participated in because, after all, I have no idea what treatment or combination of treatments have quickened my pace in recovery over the past year, evident in becoming employed, becoming an suicide prevention advocate, and attending school. I have literally gone from 0 to 30 in one year…as in 0 to 60. Duh! LOL
I desperately want to know what has caused this unofficial-official difficulty, but I know I will never really have an answer as to its origins. I must simply accept, adapt, and move on towards tomorrow. I just wish I felt that hopeful at the moment. Sisyphus can have his Darn Rock!