I have spent the better part of my day with a pain in my spirit that cannot be linked to any worry or thought. Most often, when I am depressed, I can (eventually) link my depression to a thought that directly triggered, and fed into, the emotional ache of the moment. Depression often plays the same basic thoughts over and over (and over and over and over), to its sufferer’s dismay, which is, in and of itself, a source of irritation, so the subject of my pain is usually no stranger (Yeah. Follow that sentence!). So, to say that I have no “connection” with today’s pain is to say that the pain is more concerning than is usual.
I know that I am dealing with the feelings of guilt, remorse, and a sense of failure and perhaps it is this “emotional amalgam”, running through my subconscious, that is the cause of today’s pain, but I really don’t think so. I am sure Freud and Jung would disagree, but that is ok. =)
I really am not sure where to go from here, as the description of “treatment resistant” seems bland in comparison to what I seem to be. With over thirty medications (all ineffective in relation to me) in my treatment repertoire, “treatment resistant” seems almost positive in its inference. I did find Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) very promising but finding a therapist who not only offers it but is well versed in it is difficult in a large city, let alone little old West Virginia. I am hoping that my new therapist, who participated in some DBT training in her residency, will be able to help me find a path of forward motion in regards to the positively regressive shift I have been anxiously experiencing for the last 9 months. (Yes! She is a doctorate-level therapist! Hard to find those, these days!) She expressed belief in DBT’s tenets and showed enthusiasm in revisiting her training. That gave me a small sense of relief… and hope. (Hope is a dirty, four letter word in my world.)
Perhaps hope for a better future will be possible with some hard work on my part and the support of the few people who haven’t run for the hills (or the two or three that I haven’t hid from). Maybe a job…school…Lord forbid…KIDS?
I guess only time will tell.
-If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.