“Pain” is Inadequate

The pain of depression is…well, there truly are not words to accurately capture its depth.  Language simply falls short in its capability to express depression’s excruciating hell.

I have spent the better part of my day with a pain in my spirit that cannot be linked to any worry or thought. Most often, when I am depressed, I can (eventually) link my depression to a thought that directly triggered, and fed into, the emotional ache of the moment.  Depression often plays the same basic thoughts over and over (and over and over and over), to its sufferer’s dismay, which is, in and of itself, a source of irritation, so the subject of my pain is usually no stranger (Yeah. Follow that sentence!). So, to say that I have no “connection” with today’s pain is to say that the pain is more concerning than is usual.

I know that I am dealing with the feelings of guilt, remorse, and a sense of failure and perhaps it is this “emotional amalgam”, running through my subconscious, that is the cause of today’s pain, but I really don’t think so. I am sure Freud and Jung would disagree, but that is ok. =)

I really am not sure where to go from here, as the description of “treatment resistant” seems bland in comparison to what I seem to be.  With over thirty medications (all ineffective in relation to me) in my treatment repertoire, “treatment resistant” seems almost positive in its inference.  I did find Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) very promising but finding a therapist who not only offers it but is well versed in it is difficult in a large city, let alone little old West Virginia.  I am hoping that my new therapist, who participated in some DBT training in her residency, will be able to help me find a path of forward motion in regards to the positively regressive shift I have been anxiously experiencing for the last 9 months.  (Yes! She is a doctorate-level therapist! Hard to find those, these days!)  She expressed belief in DBT’s tenets and showed enthusiasm in revisiting her training.  That gave me a small sense of relief… and hope.  (Hope is a dirty, four letter word in my world.)

Perhaps hope for a better future will be possible with some hard work on my part and the support of the few people who haven’t run for the hills (or the two or three that I haven’t hid from).  Maybe a job…school…Lord forbid…KIDS?

I guess only time will tell.

-If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.


7 thoughts on ““Pain” is Inadequate

  1. I really hate it when we get called treatment resistant. It’s like we willing stuck our hands up and said no thanks, not interested. Your new therapist sounds like she has got a lot going for her and I hope the two of you can find a way of working together that actually helps. And then that four letter word, hope might grow. Yes please. One final point is that it is so good to see a post from you again. I know it has been a hard time but you’re very good at this, and I missed it. 🙂

    • You made me cry (well…more like a misty-eyed kinda cry) my first happy tears in a long time. LOL Cate, your friendship and continued support mean the world to me. I’d mail you a pavlova if I thought it would survive the trip (or if I thought I could make one!) Go Kiwis!!!

  2. Hey there. I have just awarded you with a very special award called the Warrior Child Award. Check out my lastest post for the details http://infinitesadnessorwhat.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/to-give-and-to-receive/

    and you can also check out about the Award, which comes from the Mental Health Writer’s Guild http://mentalhealthwritersguild.wordpress.com/the-warrior-child-award/

    Congratulations! You don’t have to do anything but if you want to post the award on your blog do so with pride. You very much deserve this. ❤

  3. I prefer to think of “treatment resistant”, with regard to mental illness, in the same way as I’d look at a drug resistant strain of a virus.

  4. Great post. I can really relate to you since I had major depression as a teenager and now – it seems looking back words can not say how I felt. now as an adult – I have more relationship issues and I know back in 2008-2010 boy was I angry. Big time. I hope it works out with this therapist. I found a really good therapist in 2011 – and I have been to many therapists that didn’t help me at all. They all seemed to be more concerned with a diagnosis and not helping me. But in 2011 I found out and she had a PhD. She is now studying for her license. I went to her office for an entire 22 months and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but it helped me so much more than taking pills. That is what others with an Axis I disorder do not understand. You can’t take a pill everyday and expect this freaking overwhelming feeling of pain to just “go away”. It doesn’t work like that with attachment issues or with anger issues. Sometimes I WISH a pill would do it. I just found out a few weeks ago (I am in a DBT therapy group right now) that people with BPD need to put in “more effort” and it is up “to us to try” and a pill will not help. I wish I would have known more about BPD back in 2003 when I was diagnosed with GAD. I’m sure that the GAD only part of the issue. But at least you get it and you understand how having BPD makes one – say – more emotionally sensitive and what would be sadness for person A or B, for us it is deep deep depression. I used to drive everyday to work back in the late 1990s/early 2000s and I’d have horrible anxiety daily – just by driving to work. When I got to work the feeling would go away since it was my thoughts that created the feeling in the first place. A pill does not fix worry thoughts. Only intense psychotherapy helps for me. I have a blog you may like to read. Sandra Greg

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