I am Mother Teresa.

I was obvioulsy very hurt when I wrote this, but I cannot remember what or whom sparked my hurt; it could have been a response to my situation in general and involved no one particular person. So please, do not internalize this post.

I am sorry to have to share this, but holding it in any longer is going to certainly be my demise. (Figure of speech.)

I am not doing well. Beyond the fact that my memory is hazy, my sense of time is off, and I am having great difficulty in getting things done, rumination is eating me up inside. (And if you don’t know what I am referring to by rumination, shame on you. If you cared anything about what I deal with, you would know.) I am constantly telling the little voice in my head that even though I am getting little notice for the treatments I am going through or the drugs I am taking, people do love me. I am continually telling that little voice that in order to prove their love for me, people do not have to help me overcome the issues that have been blamed for lost friendships, put me in multiple hospitals, or robbed me of my ability to hold employment; I respond that the fact I sit alone, with little, meaningful human interaction over 12 hours a day (I guess I’ll count sleeping in a bed with my husband as interaction) doesn’t mean I am alone and uncared for. I tell the voice that I just happen to like making people dinner when they are sick, offering car rides that stress me out, giving up therapy to make sure people get to their appointments, offering to clean houses to relieve their stress, make dinner upon the birth of children, and clean out cars that I didn’t make disgusting… I can’t define other peoples’ caring by how I choose to care.

Sometimes, people just need help when they need help. It isn’t about taking the opportunity to point out their short-comings and how they can best set about fixing themselves. Sometimes, people simply need help…and that is ok.

I have never tried to kill myself, and I don’t ever plan to. But the moments in a week the thought of relief in association with the day I pass are hard to keep track of. I know that my place with God will release me of my loneliness, anxiety, depression, and hyper thoughts. How is it a bad thing to think about that? Oh…but I can’t tell anyone about it because I will be locked away in a loony-bin for the sake of THEIR comfort. Screw mine.

Depression, anxiety, and hyper thinking are my allergic reactions to my illness. I can no more control my symptoms than can an asthmatic control their gasped breaths, or a diabetic can control the hot flashes that signal their need for insulin. I can take steps in an attempt to minimize the difficulty…but ultimately…the control is not mine. Is that understood? Or am I just a weak person who is too sensitive and needs to learn to toughen up and accept reality for what it is? Am I just self-centered and not taking my concerns to God, as has been the accusation in recent days?

My illness is measurable. Tests can be done to show overactive brain activity, activity that I cannot control. It is measurable the way the size and growth of a breast tumor is determinable, the lack of insulin in the blood testable, and the acuity of sight of an eye is calculable. My illness doesn’t differ just because it falls under the category of mental.

I am perfectly aware of what I am writing, and am of clear thought and ability to recognize that, while overwhelmed, I am ok. Do not freak out and call anyone…call me…text me…or bang on my door. I will not be spending my time trying to soothe your worries to make you feel better. I am finally deciding…realizing…that today is not about you…it is about me. And I am going to have to be willing to do what  I need to in order to heal, and I can’t keep things in or put off addressing issues just because your feelings may be hurt and your day a little dimmer. My name isn’t Mother Teresa.

And maybe I am being a little self-centered…but maybe it is about time.

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5 thoughts on “I am Mother Teresa.

  1. Awww Prayers sent to you..When ppl are delaing with any kimd of illness it’s easy for other ppl to moveon with their life because they do not have to live day in and out with it. Our God is BIGGER than any illness or problem we may have. I was going thru a very serious illness. At Times I felt out of my body and all alone. I started talking to God and Praying. Little by little I am feeling a lil better and can actually eat, and feel a lil normal. I put it in Gods hands. I know we being human want instance gratification. However God works on his time not ours. ❤ always your NC friends…..

    • Luckily, I know better than to ask for instant gratification as I have been dealing with this for over 15 years. Prayer isn’t going to fix things…only the Lord’s will to do so will heal me, and contrary to what many Christians think, it is not always in God’s will to cure everyone…ie. people who died in car wrecks, natural disasters, cancer. But prayer is a means of comfort when we feel badly. Thanks for reading my blog! Glad you are feeling better! Prayers for Barry!

      • Oh I Know it’s not in Gods will to fix or heal everyone. He may be using your illness to reach out to others. Also u have helped many ppl. Prayer does help things. May not help anyone right now but in the long run it does. Christian or not Prayer never hurt anyone. I have been struggling for many years and it’s not fun and u feel no one will ever get u. But then I see or meet someone who has had things so much worse than I ever had. I thank God for the belssings he does do in my life. Ppl treat Mental illness differently because in a lot of cases it is something u cannot spot or see. But in reality many of us have some form or another and it needs to be a priority to help. Your blog is nor selfish at all. Alot of the times we forget to put ourself first.

  2. I don’t see anything self-centred about that. It’s honest and it’s written right from the heart. Wish I was there to give you lots of big hugs and to assure you that while I know you feel alone, you’re not. xx

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